RIP Coconut Oil (2011-2017)

SourceSales of the oil plummeted last year, according to new data from market research firm SPINS, which tracks the health and wellness sector. Coconut oil initially attracted adherents with promises that it boosts immunity and aids in weight loss. But its popularity waned as questions emerged about those claims and the product’s effect on blood cholesterol... Nutritionists and researchers began to question the science behind some of coconut oil’s more extravagant claims — such as the idea that it accelerates weight loss by boosting metabolism. Meanwhile, manufacturers — sensing new demand for alternative oils — ramped up production of avocado oil, algae oil, animal fats and specialty butters... By the time the American Heart Association officially denounced coconut oil in June 2017 — the product has too much saturated fat, AHA said — sales were already beginning to fall, according to SPINS. Over the course of 2017, coconut oil retail sales dropped $52 million, or 24.3 percent.

The origin of food fads has changed over time from a Mad Men style marketing firm, West coast crash diet think-tanks to the basic humans on Instagram (h/t to me for being PC).  However the phenomenon and largely unknown science is how they slowly turn into staples of the American diet.  Edward Bernays the O.G. of public relations and corporate propaganda was the man who convinced Americans that bacon was for breakfast.  Now bacon can be found as part of every meal in the most click-baity recipes on the internet written by simpleton bloggers and bloggettes.  Bernays wrote "the book" on the manipulation of the American mind through advertising and even today his tactics are being used to sway the opinions of the masses. 

Nowadays a single hashtag, meme, GIF or pretty picture can start an avalanche of copycat posts.  Before anyone can blink avocado toast is on your local brunch menu for the small price of $11.  Years ago coconut oil became the darling of the internet; every Tom, Dick & Henrietta was writing why you should be jamming this white paste (gross) in every crevice of your body. 

In honor of the recent findings of the alleged false claims, let us review some of my favorite claims by the coco-nut people:

Heart Health

The obvious starting point had to be the claim that broke the coconuts shell.  Color me shocked that Cheerios never pumped Honey Nut Coconuts (trademark) while I was watching the Price is Right in my 5th year of college.

Hair Care

Rogaine must be doing pretty poorly trying to sell a product for thicker and fuller hair when the market was always looking for matted-down oily hair.  More like ro-loss...

Alzheimer's / Diabetes / AIDs / Cancer

Who would have thunk it, curing the most deadly diseases of the 20th and 21st century wouldn't be done by solving the human genome but merely opening a coconut.

Anti-Aging

I pictured the fountain of youth being full of water, turns out it's slightly more viscous.

Weight-loss & Appetite

After years of trying to reduce fat in my midsection I slowly realized only moving something other than my computer mouse would solve my problems.  That being said, I will give it another few months of rubbing this Coconut oil all over my body before I decide it isn't working.

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Chapped Lips

I had 50 words written about how the primary use of this was to lubricate food down some fat asshole's gullet, I soon realized it was the third ingredient in the balm I was applying to my stupid lips.  Damn you irony!

Teeth Whitening

Often referred to as "oil pulling" this process involves sloshing a tablespoon of oil in your mouth for 10-20 minutes.  A quick search will result in consumers being told this removes "toxins" form the gums and teeth.  Apparently all of those "toxins" are making my teeth yellow as fuck and has nothing to do with all the red wine and coffee I am consuming on a daily basis. 

Side note - I think we found the secret ingredient in Kinoki pads.

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Side note #2 - before Kinoki pads I had no idea I could poop out my feet.