Vegan Trials: Curried Lentils

I have a love hate relationship with vegans; I love Tom Brady and hate feeling like a worthless meat eater from all these skinny/healthy people that occupy vegan social media.  Part of me believes there are times avoiding animal products for a short period of time is good for the body & soul.  Some days I pull a vegan-vampire and avoid meat whilst the sun is up, and as the night comes I succumb to the urges of my caveman brain.

As far as I know there are two major types of people that turn plant eater; the animal activist and those who abstain for health regardless of morality.  I can reluctantly side with the person living a leafy lifestyle due to a internal feeling and a pursuit of longevity.  Although even if the plant lifestyle health claims are valid, I can make a strong case living past 100 isn't worth missing out on a 24 ounce Tomahawk Chop. 

That brings us to animal rights activists; I love me some animals and I agree we have a double standard with which animals we eat and the ones we allow onto our beds.  I can say for certain my dog would be dead in five minutes without me, him and the rest of the Border Collies would be extinct without humans.  As an owner of all seven volumes of the Wild Life Fact Files I believe I have the expertise to speak on this issue.  I have heard arguments that our pets are some sort of prisoners, enslaved among treats and toys in our warm/dry shelters.  But in reality they are more like a shitty roommates who don't ever make rent or at worst a squatter who shits in the house, I am looking at you cats. 

I am a proponent of eating wild game over farm raised livestock however I barely can step outside without a set of wireless headphones and a wiFi signal.  I might have to stick to the grocery store until the Apocalypse, only then will l do adequate research and binge YouTube videos on hunting.  Animals are here for us to eat, we are a predator, the top of the food-chain and we eat animals in order to balance the ecosystem.  Not to mention, farming of just vegetables kills numerous species of rodents, birds and insects during the harvesting process alone.  If you're going to live a life with ZERO impact to other species you might as well plan your funeral or start foraging in the woods.  There isn't much at Wholefoods that didn't involve the merciless slaughtering of animals, and for that I am thankful.  Please excuse me while i pour out some of my kombucha for my homies...



  • 1-1/2 cup red lentils
  • 1-can coconut milk, measured out to 2 cups
  • 2-1/2 cups water
  • 1-2 tbs ginger, freshly grated
  • 2 cloves garlic, thinly sliced
  • 1/2 medium shallot
  • 1 medium yellow onion
  • 1/4 tsp red pepper flake
  • 1/4 tsp cayenne
  • 1 tsp madras curry powder
  • yogurt
  • lime wedges

Grate the ginger, as well as mince the onion and shallot into similar sized pieces.  Slice the garlic like Paulie from Goodfellas and get them so thin it may liquiefy when it hits the pan, but feel free to use a regular knife in lieu of a razor blade.

*I minced the ginger on a early version of this and didn't notice a difference if you want to avoid cleaning another utensil.


Begin by sautéing the chopped vegetables, cook over medium heat in a small saucepan for a total of 5-8 minutes, while your pot is on the stove slide over to the sink and wash the lintels to remove anything left behind during packaging.


Add in the spice blend about halfway through cooking the vegetables.


After adding in the spices leave the onions, shallot and garlic on the stove (stirring often) until its contents have turned translucent.


Add in the whole can of coconut milk and water into the pot.  Bring to a boil and reduce to a simmer for 25 minutes, or whatever time the packaging on your lintels direct.


Serve with yogurt and a wedge of lime you fabulous animal savior.