Purple Carrot (TB12 Edition) - An Incomplete Analysis

As we continue our journey down the never ending road of meal delivery box subscription services we take a quick pit stop at Veganville, USA.  As much as I hate the thought of ditching slaughtering helpless animals and trading in my moderately muscular physique for a slightly scrawnier one, I can't help but think GOATs eat this shit.  Don't be confused I have no urges to become a grass feeding caprine, I am referring to the 'greatest of all time.'  If you've had you're buried in a textbook for the past 16 years I am talking about Thomas Edward Patrick Brady, Jr.  

With a stamp of approval from my man crush everyday I couldn't resist overpaying for a plant based diet.  Prior to this my intentions were never to review a non-meat meals were not in the playbook. However I joined hands with TB12, set aside my bias and opened my heart to a new way of cooking, shall we Purple Carrot?

Website & Ease of Ordering:

Websites are website.  If this part sucks you probably run a bullshit blog that posts less often than you get laid.

In the end, the most critical aspect of this review criteria is how hard is it to cancel the subscription.  Purple Carrot doesn't make this simple and at first I forgot, then was sent a pleasant reminder in the form of another box.  After a quick email I was able to cancel any future boxes.  The email wasn't easy to find but an experienced googler could figure it out in a few minutes.

Website & ease of ordering score:

9.5 / 10.0

Meal Plans:

Purple Carrot is all about that vegan life, if you're expecting a well rounded meal plan this is not the service for you.  There are three plans; veggies, more veggies and veggies blessed by our lord and savior.

Meal plan score:

8.9 / 10.0

Delivery Time & Packaging:

Don't let the cracks all over your iPhone screen fool you that is a personalized (copied) letter from Tom Fuckin' Brady himself.  Not a big deal but kinda big deal I might have been the first person to order a box.

The box (not pictured) came as a bright white box with bold red lettering, flashy yet modest.  Inside was a brown paper bag with a cotton lining insulating the individually packaged meals clearly labeled with black and white stickers.  Some ingredients were packaged separately from what I suppose is because they shouldn't be stored with the rest of the ingredients due to culinary segregation.  Still there isn't much thought into how these ingredients are sorted between perishables and non-perishables.  (This is a common problem with many of these subscription boxes).  I also received some ingredients that were wilted and old, for that reason I docked Purple Carrot a few points.

Delivery time & packaging score:

9.3 / 10.0


Ramen Bowl (Grade: A++)

Ramen Bowl (Grade: A++)

Crispy Turnip Cakes (Grade: A+)

Crispy Turnip Cakes (Grade: A+)

White Lentil Risotto (Grade:  B-)

White Lentil Risotto (Grade:  B-)

Beluga Lentil Tacos (Grade: A-)

Beluga Lentil Tacos (Grade: A-)

Saffron Paella (Grade: A+)

Saffron Paella (Grade: A+)

Not shown in any of the photos was the 'Creamy Cauliflower Alfredo.'   It's very hard to imitate cheese with non-dairy ingredients and this was a pretty clear example.  Full disclosure I have a hard time eating regular fettuccine alfredo and for that reason I left it off the list as a gradable item.  But if you're curious the fuckario alno-cheese-o was about a C+.

Make me like vegan food, force me to contemplate changing my lifestyle and you get a close to perfect score.

Recipe score:

9.9 / 10.0


At a staggering $13.00 per meal this is the most expensive box on the market besides my ex-girlfriend (cue the comedy drum roll).  The plus side of things is there are a lot of ingredients that are not your typical onion & carrot that will expand your palate.

Cost score:

7.7 / 10

Final Score:

9.09 / 10.00

As I ate these meals I could only picture Mr. TB12 himself sitting there eating it with me.  It could have been the lack of nutrients causing a brief delusional episode but I think it was high performance food sending me into a pro-athlete level of engorgement.  

Another strange sensation that flowed through my body was an insatiable need to tell people about my new vegan lifestyle.  Unfortunately my brief vegan experience was just that, an experiment, a brief period in my life where I needed to see if I liked putting this that and the other in and around my mouth.