Make America Skinny Again

The only demographic more persecuted than a white male in this country is an overweight white male.  Fortunately for us two to seven days after 'The Big Game' Sunday is the official unofficial start of #skinnyszn.  The only way to rid your body of all those Buffalo related foods is to force it out with a wholesale warehouse sized jug of fiber drink, or a spending a few days sticking to a vegetarian diet.  Rather than rocketing jet fuel into the toilet all week I decided to go with the latter, turn myself into a beta-male vegan cuck. 

Marinated Portabello Mushrooms

Use a spoon to remove the gills & stem.  You can skip this step and eat the gills & stem and you will live to tell the tale, however sand is often trapped in there and just removing it is more effective option than trying to wash it out.

As a general rule of thumb you should never wash your mushrooms (contrary to our rule of poop/dirt on food), they are very porous and will fill quickly with liquids not unlike a sponge.  To clean dirty shrooms, use a damp towel and lightly wipe away grit and grime.  

Finished product v. original specimen.

The beauty of a marinade is you don't have to measure the ingredients, all you are required to do is have a balance of flavors (salt, sweet, sour, acid, etc).  Below is an approximation of what went into this balsamic vinaigrette marinade (which I use often).  Before you place your mushrooms in the marinade make sure you taste it and determine it's up to your liking.


  • 1 tbs vegetable oil
  • 2 tbs low sodium soy sauce
  • 3 tbs balsamic vinegar
  • 2 dashes Worcestershire sauce
  • 1 tbs Dijon mustard
  • 2 tsp hot sauce (not shown)
  • pepper to taste


Limit the amount of time mushrooms are in the marinade, 20 minutes is typically the magic number between not enough and them turning into one of those silicon nipple covers chicks wear.

A panini press is the perfect tool for a marinated mushroom, if you don't have one there is always a grill or a grill pan.  If you ahev none of these, get one.

Buffalo Roasted Cauliflower

One of the most misunderstood vegetables out there is the cauliflower.  The reason I love cauliflower is because it will take on the flavor of whatever you want it to and keep it's texture.  After chopping a whole head of cauliflower, about 24 hours sitting in a bag of 1/2 cup of hot sauce and you are ready to cook.  Bake for about 20-30 minutes at 400° F.

Cucumber Salad

Finally a perfect accompaniment for hot in temperature & spice is something to cool it down.  Above is a quick cucumber salad; 1/2 a 5 oz. container of plain Greek yogurt, 4-8 peppadew (sweet) peppers and salt & pepper to taste.