After a week long vacation (more so an adult spring break) I am finally able to spew out somewhat comprehensible words that are at the same time not as dark and gloomy as my horrors. Shout out to all my fellow fleet weekers and the people who came to visit, this week was a blast and definitely took years off my life.
Have you ever run out of a household product (i.e. toilet paper) and said to yourself 'if only I had my phone in my hand right now to order more'. You didn't because if you're a normal person you spend your life with your phone in a pockets, purse, at an arms length or the more fashion forward option attached to your body via a belt clip. Amazon saw this tenuous problem and released a new product called 'dash buttons'. They are small pack of gum size devises that adhere directly to whichever surface you desire, similar to those Command hooks that you can stick to your apartment wall without damaging the 8-layers of lead paint. Unlike the invention of the remote control, cell phone and Dyson vacuum; their functionality is subjective. Here is a promotional video Amazon put out to introduce these revolutionary devices:
If you drink coffee in the morning you understand this emotion. Not having a cup of coffee turns me into a hormonal asshole, I have never tried heroin but I can only imagine this is what withdrawals feels like. Every morning I chase that Starbucks dragon, upping the ante with more shots of espresso and machines that run coffee beans through an unnecessary amount of chambers. Sometimes just a taste can get me through that morning routine and Keurig k-cups can be that quick fix to keep me level headed. And then disaster hits, your k-cups have run out and all is lost.
Take a deep breathe and tell yourself to get your life together, open the Amazon app, order dash buttons and wait 2 days for them to be delivered to your door in a box big enough for your shitty little kids to play in. Couldn't you just order those k-cups on the app and not wait for those pesky buttons? You could, but pushing analog devices that are connected to your phone is the future...
Your dash buttons have finally arrived, just click the button and in no time (2 business days) you can finally clean your filthy face.
Just go back to your phone and confirm that you really wanted to order that. Why did you need to click that button? Because we own your fucking life and you're a slave to our products.
"Susie stop clicking the fucking button there's like 5 containers of easy mac right in front of your face!".
No problem, just cancel that order from my phone I ordered the button from and where I could easily order something else from.
And just like that (if that was 2 business days) you have all those grocery items that you could've never picked up in person arrive in a cumbersome box not necessarily filled with a majority of solid contents or a minority of bags of air.
Upon further review...
I need to meet this guy and ask him where he sticks his Trojan dash button. The easy answer would be headboard but I pray he just sticks it on the nearest lower back.
Side note - If Amazon wants to hire me to do their marketing I am open to offers. To be clear, I have zero experience 'doing' marketing.